*This is probably one of my longer and deeper posts about me. So, without further ado…😶
As an INFJ, I tend to have an excess of emotional energy and it can be so draining, especially when you’ve been brought up in an environment where showing emotion was a bad thing to do and even considered a weakness. So, naturally, I adopted those beliefs. I learned to keep a lot to myself and I’m extremely cautious of who I show my emotions to. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I don’t like to show them to anyone at all, but there have been times when I slipped up when it was too much to bear. I often feel like I can’t afford to let my guard down, even with someone who’s close to me. As a result of holding so much in, I have a lot of anger and resentment built inside and it’s made me a bitter person. And since I’m a Feeling type, I feel those particular emotions so acutely. Sometimes, it’s to the point where I feel like it’s just worn on my sleeve. This goes without saying I also hold a lot of emotional pain and there are times when I’ve cursed that as a weakness. I don’t want to come across as being overly emotional so I tend to hide my emotions, and when it gets too much, I have my private moments of sorrow, break down and have a good cry to release, and then pick up where I left off and keep it moving.
Despite being a Feeling type, I’m emotionally closed off. That contradiction is obviously a huge problem in of itself, and I recognize that. It’s something I’ve been trying to work on, but it’s difficult when you’re in an environment surrounded by people who bring out the worst in you. But I honestly do think I lack empathy. I’m not “compassionate.” I’m not a nice person. I’m not warm or kind-hearted. I feel HIGHLY uncomfortable whenever someone tells me I am, because I just don’t feel it. I don’t know how I can be; I’m too bitter for that. But at the same time, I don’t go out of my way to hurt people. I’m only brutal to someone when they deserve it.
I’m not saying emotions are a general weakness. I’ve used my emotional energy productively. For example, I use my anger as a drive to set boundaries and to be assertive (read “aggressive,” if you will) when people think they can have their way with me, whereas before I would be a soft-spoken pushover, so that’s one good thing to come out of it I guess. But I do see it as a personal weakness, and I know it doesn’t have to be. Emotions are a part of being human. It’s just that I can’t entirely shake off that belief. To me, showing emotion means to be vulnerable, and like I said, I feel like I can’t afford to lower my guard. I’ve done so countless times around the wrong people and it’s done its damage. However, if someone were to show emotion in front of me, I wouldn’t think badly of them for it. And despite not being the most compassionate person, I wouldn’t just coldly ignore them either. I’d be concerned and even feel for them a bit, but I’m not going to be an overly bleeding heart about it.
Mais, this isn’t to say that I don’t feel any of the good emotions at all. I do occasionally, just not as much as I should. Being around people who bring out the worst in you tends to suck the fun and joy out of everything 😩 but I am capable of laughter and I tend to be a goofy little shit when I can let loose 😂. And although I’m not the affectionate type, if I genuinely care about someone, it will show, and I don’t see any reason why I should hide that.
I tend to deal with excess emotion through writing. It’s an outlet to articulate my thoughts and feelings, though sometimes I feel like it magnifies them before releasing them. I’ll get more in depth about that in another post. But if I’m being very honest, I think I don’t let myself feel my emotions fully because I’m afraid of being overwhelmed by them. I already can’t keep up with my buzzing mind more than half the time, so to add the baggage of emotions to that would be too much for me.
With that being said, I’m not a typical Feeling type. I’m not purely sensitive and emotionally appealing with my language. I am also a Sagittarius, and it’s strong in my veins. I can be blunt and tactless as hell. I won’t lie to you to feed you something you want to hear to appeal to your emotions and ego. At the same time, I can read the flow of a conversation and stop myself from saying something that could potentially cross the line. I respect boundaries. But when someone disrespects mine, that is an entirely different story. If my boundaries aren’t respected, I will treat you with mad disdain 😒. I’m known to have a wicked sharp tongue and I can be so rank. I can and will tear you to shreds. After all, you can be well mannered until the time for good manners is past~
Despite coming off as cold, I do like to help people when it comes to giving advice. I only do when someone asks me for it and I’m in a position to, such as when it’s something I’ve done or been through myself, so I can actually back it up (because there’s nothing I hate more than people who are full of shit but can’t even be an example of what they preach. Miss me with that bullshit 😒). I always point out that what I would do and what they would do are two different things, so it’s up to them whether my advice applies. I don’t want to feel like I’m forcing anything on anybody. So, I like helping people in that sense. But what I don’t like is doing favours for people. I’ll help you with something, yes. I just won’t do it for you. I’m too lazy for that anyways 😂
I can be very sensitive to criticism and rejection, and I have my upbringing to thank for that 😒. Most of the time I won’t show it, but best know I’m lowkey feeling a way. However, that doesn’t mean I catch the hardest feelings every time someone criticizes me. Come now, that’s way too exhausting 😩. I can distinguish constructive criticism from someone who’s overly critical. I appreciate constructive criticism. I welcome it, especially if it’s something I can agree with. But when someone’s overly critical and tearing me apart for no reason other than to bring me down, best know I’m fighting back with equal venom, if not more. If “criticism” is going to be used as a guise to attack me, I will recognize it, I WILL snap back, and it won’t be fun for anybody. I’m really not the one. We Feeling types know where to hit where it hurts the most, and some of us are more ruthless than others. 💅
INFJs can burn out easily and I’m no exception to that. I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself when it comes to certain things (especially my social appearance), and because of my social anxiety and anger issues, I’m lowkey on edge at all times. Since I tend to keep these things to myself and try to figure everything out on my own, stress and fatigue levels are at an all-time high.